My Dating Basics – Things To Understand Before Considering A Relationship
I recently shared a new post where I got a little personal, my thoughts on long distance dating – the upside. Since then, I have received some positive feedback from readers, so I thought, while I’ve got your attention, I’ll keep the momentum going!
I read a study that stated, if you were to get married today, there is a 40-50% chance your relationship won’t last. Crazy, right? Well before we get ahead of ourselves and talk marriage, let’s discuss the basics.
In my opinion, there are a few things you should understand before considering entering into a relationship. I’ve outlined them here, and hope you enjoy the read.
Understand demanding vs. sharing –
Simply put – if you expect your partner to make you feel a certain way (i.e. happy, fulfilled, whole, etc.), you are demanding that they love you. If you are generally happy in your life, and feel fulfilled, whole, etc. while you’re single, you are much more likely to be pleasent in a relationship, and therefore, share love, vs. demand it. So, if something doesn’t go your way, you could be a little more difficult to love and, in turn, cause fights, nagging, and just plain unhappiness for both parties.
And let’s be clear – I’m not saying you shouldn’t expect anything from your partner, you absolutely should (more on that later). But, that said, you shouldn’t depend on them to ease any unhappiness/discomfort you may have within yourself. If you do, you’re expecting too much. And that’s not because you don’t deserve “too much,” but because it’s actually not humanly possible for anyone, even the greatest partner, to fill a hole you have within yourself — period.
So to recap, don’t demand love, share love.
You could be thinking, “eh nope, if someone would just love me I’d feel whole, this heart just needs some TLC, really!” Okay, I’m here to tell you — no.
Understand your feelings –
For awhile, yeah sure, you could feel like having a partner has made you a better person, happy, whole, and maybe you might even think they’re “the one” and so on, but it’s just a matter of time until your old ways, and feelings kick in. It’s like taking a pain reliever — you’re masking the issue, but you’re not getting rid of it completely. You have to understand your feelings, where the less than lovely feelings stem from within you, and how you can actively improve so you’re in a position to love deeply, in the right way.
Note: pretty sure this is why some people go from relationship to relationship, or stay in relationships that maybe they shouldn’t be in. It’s much harder finding happiness within yourself than depending on others for it — it’s much easier to blame your feelings, and problems on someone else instead of taking the responsibility for them. Caution: jumping from relationship to relationship is not a solve for your problems, nor is staying in a relationship just for the sake of being in one.
Understand “true love” –
True love is when two people aim to grow (independently) together instead of depending on each other — this helps couples build a connection on a much higher level; pursue your own goals and do things without your partner while maintaining a balance between time together and your personal time (even if you live together). It’s much healthier to be in a relationship, committed to becoming the best you can be, while sharing your love, rather than having a list of expectations and needs going into a relationship — they can’t possibly be met to the extend which you’ll need them. You don’t have to have your whole life figured out prior to a relationship, but you should be in a place of personal satisfaction with respect for yourself, and an understanding of balance.
Understand the exception (but, not really) –
Okay you might truly be a happy person on your own — you’re independent and satisfied with who you are. However, you’re in a relationship that makes you feel like you need more and/or are borderline insane. You’re moody, insecure, vicious, sneaky (yes, talking about snooping inside a phone that’s not yours), and all those other things that just aren’t you – well, you could be that way because you have reasons to be. This is, the ONLY exception: you’ve been cheated on, lied to, and your partner does something I call “grey area” – he/she is wishy washy, unclear or gives you reason to doubt them because of their actions. If this is the case, I understand, but you need to exit the situation ASAP. People can change, but even if they do, it will consistently be a burden on your relationship because of past instances — they’re better off changing for someone else, and you’re better off without them. Don’t be sad.
There are so many wonderful people out there, you will find someone else but you may miss them if you’re dealing with the above…
And once you met that new, wonderful person, forgive and forget anything from the past that made you unhappy. You can’t blame others for pervious situations, so if you meet someone who is kind, respectful, and genuinely cares about you, don’t let your old ways sneak in, and don’t be insecure because of old habits due to someone else — you’ll need to look within to heal those wounds.
Now that you have the basic understanding of step 1 on relationships, rid yourself from all the yucky stuff, and start fresh! And, let’s meet back here soon to discuss another important aspect… getting a commitment out of em, and why, you might not be worth the risk – yup, I said it (in the nicest way possible).
Anything you think I should add to this list of basics? I’d love your thoughts! Share in the comments section below.