The fixer-upper. It’s a rare gem when you’re searching for the perfect home, but a fool’s errand in the dating game. Unlike real estate, where something worse-for-wear affords the glorious opportunity to renovate your way and blueprint your dreams to order, finding a suitable romantic partner means committing to what’s right in front of you. What you see is what you’ll get — but how often do we see our prospective matches clearly?
Perhaps we should band together and file a class action lawsuit against the animated princess films that taught us it’s totally OK to pair off with a beast, a street rat, or a frog — because with enough love he’ll turn into a perfect prince! While it’s always helpful to see the best in everyone, good natured optimism likes to wear a blindfold when we’re craving a cuddle buddy. We end up settling for someone who isn’t what we’re looking for and less than what we deserve. We agree to take home a mate incapable of meeting our needs because we overlooked our better judgment. Instead of happily ever after, we can end up in a bed of hostility, or worse… playing parent. Here are four things to keep in mind to save you from dating “potential” instead of the person you deserve.
Potential ≠ Reality
They have a cute face, healthy-ish habits, still figuring out their work situation, their roommates seem only kind of sketchy, BUT — stop right there! The qualities you just listed are observable reality. This is who this person is. This is where this person is. Anything you insert after a “but” or an “if” is a fairytale, and the doctor doesn’t make a pill for a bad case of imagination-run-wild. Accept them as they are or move on.
Be Objective About Red Flags
They’re only too easy to miss behind rose-colored glasses. It’s unfair to both parties to invest time and energy into a relationship based on a someday possibility. “But they’ll change for me,” you tell yourself. You’ve basically just purchased a mystery prize in a pretty, shiny wrapper, and you’re paying with your time, love, and emotional energy. The math is simple: if you enter a relationship with someone for everything they’re not, you will later resent them for everything they are.
The Proof is in the Patterns
The messaging stage is your best friend. Pay attention to their communication habits. Are they clingy, distant, or vague? Do you share the same sense of humor? If you decide to meet, notice how they treat others. Do they say please and thank you? Do they follow through on commitments? How’s their attitude? How do they treat the barista or server? If you visit their living space, could you picture yourself comfortable there? Examining the quality of their other long term relationships (job, possessions, family, etc.) provides valuable insight into how they’ll treat you. After a few weeks of steady face-time, imagine yourselves on a bad day. Does their most difficult state jive with your most difficult state? When the chips are down, will you still want to wake up next to this person in the morning?
Start With # 1
Know thyself. Before you go hitching your wagon to someone else’s, it’s essential to have a firm handle on your own situation. Your mental health, your physical health, your career, and your finances are a lot easier to work on without the delightful distraction of new love. It’s equally necessary to honestly assess your motivation for being in a relationship. If there’s a sense of urgency to find a special someone right away, then it’s probably not the best time to get involved. If dating isn’t your primary focus, don’t worry about it. There’s no rule that says you have to be in a relationship. There’s no need to rush into tying down someone convenient.
There are many beautiful, fulfilling, and feel-good upsides to being somebody’s special someone. But the individual you are deserves an individual who can match your energy, not someone who requires “fixing.” To be honest, it’s not fair to either of you. Can you develop patience while maintaining optimism? Can you honor yourself enough to pull out of unhealthy dynamics? A few more “tables for one” is a small price to pay for standing in your worth and attracting “the right one.”
Have a topic in mind that you’d like us to explore? Email our editorial team at editorialasst@mollymy.com.
